I went to church today.
ah.
This was the first time I've gone to to church since I (for the third time--third time's the charm?) renounce Christianity. And this was also the first time since I'd renounced Christianity that I didn't feel anything BY going back.
I went because John and Josh have been asking to go, and as their staff, I'm not there for myself. I'm there for them. I finally decided to suck it up and do it. We sat in the very, very back of the church. I took my Nook so I'd have something to do. Not too long after we got there, Mark (the man who invited me to church in August 2011) saw me and gave me a huge hug and told me over and over again how much he loves me. That got the feels.
Then John decided he wanted to go down to the front of the church to dance in the crowd. When people saw him, they automatically looked for me. Before I knew it the best friend I've ever had--who I also have not talked to since before Christmas--Gabee came up to me. She told me when she woke up this morning she knew I'd be there. I may not agree with her beliefs, but I know Gabee has some weird intuition (which she believes comes from God), and she's not a liar. Then she gave me a hug and we didn't say anything. When we hugged, I started crying. I cried because I knew that even if I came back to church with the boys occasionally, and Gabee and I hang out, things will never be the same. And it just broke my heart, because I've never had a friend quite like her. When she pulled back, I saw she was crying too.
She asked me if I'd been going to another church and I told her no. I know the look on her face. It made me feel so guilty and weird.
All the people I used to to go church with expect so much from me, and I can't give it to them. I never could. Doing so just made me feel like an imposter. And when I accepted the truth of those feelings, it wasn't long before I realized I couldn't go on like I was in the church. That doesn't mean it was easy for me. I hate it. I hate that I can't have that security, and I hate knowing that people will be disappointed in me.
As for the sermon itself...well...what I did hear of it when I wasn't reading just made me roll my eyes.
I'm sorry if people are disappointed in you for this. I'm religious but I realize it isn't for everyone and you can't make someone believe what you believe. Even if you could, I don't think you should. People should find what makes them happy and comfortable and others should accept that (as long as it doesn't harm people, of course).
ReplyDeleteI get some of this from the opposite end. Since I've moved to the "bible belt" I haven't been able to tell people I'm religious without them assuming I'm an idiot, or I hate gays, or I don't believe in evolution, etc. It's really quite sad to see
Strange reading this, I was just thinking about going back to church this Sunday. I haven't been there since a friend of mine got married the previous year. It was a big part of my childhood and everyone there knows my name and I can never remember theirs. Makes going there super awkward.
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