Church

I went to church today.

ah.

This was the first time I've gone to to church since I (for the third time--third time's the charm?) renounce Christianity. And this was also the first time since I'd renounced Christianity that I didn't feel anything BY going back.

I went because John and Josh have been asking to go, and as their staff, I'm not there for myself. I'm there for them. I finally decided to suck it up and do it. We sat in the very, very back of the church. I took my Nook so I'd have something to do. Not too long after we got there, Mark (the man who invited me to church in August 2011) saw me and gave me a huge hug and told me over and over again how much he loves me. That got the feels.

Then John decided he wanted to go down to the front of the church to dance in the crowd. When people saw him, they automatically looked for me. Before I knew it the best friend I've ever had--who I also have not talked to since before Christmas--Gabee came up to me. She told me when she woke up this morning she knew I'd be there. I may not agree with her beliefs, but I know Gabee has some weird intuition (which she believes comes from God), and she's not a liar. Then she gave me a hug and we didn't say anything. When we hugged, I started crying. I cried because I knew that even if I came back to church with the boys occasionally, and Gabee and I hang out, things will never be the same. And it just broke my heart, because I've never had a friend quite like her. When she pulled back, I saw she was crying too.

She asked me if I'd been going to another church and I told her no. I know the look on her face. It made me feel so guilty and weird.

All the people I used to to go church with expect so much from me, and I can't give it to them. I never could. Doing so just made me feel like an imposter. And when I accepted the truth of those feelings, it wasn't long before I realized I couldn't go on like I was in the church. That doesn't mean it was easy for me. I hate it. I hate that I can't have that security, and I hate knowing that people will be disappointed in me.


As for the sermon itself...well...what I did hear of it when I wasn't reading just made me roll my eyes.

I've been thinking a lot about rape culture, lately, and how we, as a society, have made it what it is. Thinking about things led me to need to make a ranty post, even though this is the first post on this blog, and there's no one to read them. Oh well.

• Rapists are bad people. We all know this. But, in my opinion, rape apologists are just as bad, if not altogether worse. While never excusable in any circumstance, one could argue that a rapist has something fundamentally wrong with them. I'm not sure if I'd call it mental illness per say (because I'm not a psychologist, not because I don't think that's what it is), but something about them that make them sick and inherently evil on a different level than a normal person. A rape apologist, however, is usually someone who is covering for someone who has raped, or they are even a rapist/desire to rape someone themselves. But excusing rape when you are in a mentally healthy state is absolutely frightening. I've heard people I know casually dismiss rape as the victim's fault. Which brings me to my second point--
• This victim blaming stuff HAS to end. Seriously. I don't care if the girl was drunk. I don't care if she was wearing a short skirt or a low-cut shirt. I don't care if she's naked walking through town. There's no excuse for you raping her. She is not at fault--YOU ARE. I think why this particular action upsets me so much is having grown up in the church. You see, I have extremely large breasts. I can't help this. And I dress fairly modestly--when I feel a shirt is too low-cut, I'll put a tank top on underneath, and I'm almost always wearing a sweater. Now, that being said, one time in church I had two women in their 50s pull me aside to tell me that my shirt was inexcusably low-cut. I told them I frankly didn't care, that I have large breasts, and I have a hard time NOT having cleavage. Even when I wear a high-cut shirt, I still have cleavage. They told me I needed to dress more modestly because, "The men in our church look, and we need to help them be accountable for themselves. They have such a hard time, and we need to do our part so we don't tempt them." BULL. SHIT. This attitude is exactly the kind of attidue that lets rapists get away with the actions. Excusing a man for his actions because he has a harder time dealing with visual stimuli is pretty fucked up. Which brings me to my third point--
• Rape isn't about sex. It's about power. Men who rape women (or men who rape men, or women who rape women, or women who rape men, or whatever combination) do not do it because they want to have sex. They are doing it for the control. No doubt that many/most/all of them get sexual pleasure from it. But that's not where the compulsion to rape someone comes from. I've heard/read many times that when a rapist gets it in his head to rape, he doesn't care who the victim is, and he rape anyone. Even comparing rape to sex is pretty offensive. Sex is an act that can be shared in many, many ways, but ultimately no matter what's happening--it's a choice. Rape is having someone take your choice away. And people need to realize that rape comes from a place where one person wants to dominate another.
• Rape. We need to treat this word as what it is. Whenever people make rape jokes, it sickens and offends me. But I'm really repulsed when people use rape in other contexts. "I raped that video game." "Oh man, I raped my final." NO. Every time you use the word rape like that, it discredits what that word actually means. You know how Dumbledore said, "Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself."? Well, dismissal of a word only dismisses the actions that go along with it. This needs to stop.

Rape culture as it is today needs to change. We need to support rape survivors, not cut them down, call them liars, or shun them.

Women--we need to stand with our fellow sisters. We need to protect each other. If you're out somewhere, and you see a woman in a potentially dangerous situation, help her. Go up to her and pretend she's your friend or sister. Stand up for each other. Stand together.

Men--you need to be good people. Stop slut-shaming women when they have sex, and stop blaming women when they are raped. If you hear one of your gender making a rape joke, or talking about how "she deserved it," CALL HIM OUT.

No matter your gender, sexual orientation, race, nationality, religion--we need to stand together and let rape survivors know that they are support and that people believe them. We need to stop being complacent and stand up to abusers.





/rant